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The other kids never played with him...

Vår Hiphop - Lyricism

   

2005-03-22 03:32

The other kids never played with him...

The other kids never played with him, so in order to
to play with them, he was forced to start paying them
Everyday they'd ask for money, and he was never saying no
He wanted to, but he didn't wanna be hated though
So he kept going even though he knew it was fake love
Cause this is what hate does, it takes us and brakes us
This was his curse, yeah you can call it a harmless curse
He would take money from daddy's wallet and momma's purse
He had plenty of sorrows, so there was plenty to borrow
Ten today and then maybe, maybe twenty tomorrow
And for this he got to be a cool kid, play along when
They played who's it, but it was fake and everybody knew it
It was too easy to see through it, if they asked him to do
anything, he would do it, but you can't say that he blew it
Cause they never even gave him a chance
If he wanted to talk to them he had to ask in advance
And on the weekends there was absolutely no connection
Nope, this was a classical case of absolute neglection
And everyday after school he was lonely as hell
He had only with himself and it was cold in his hell


One day his parents caught him red handed, his vision of
Life was abondonned, he was done flying, this bird had landed
Besides all the troubles he had to be in at home
He also had to go back to the lifestyle of being alone
But maybe it wasn't all play pretend, maybe they could
All play as friends so he squeezed his hands and prayed again
"They weren't hanging out with me cause of the money
I'm kind of a cool guy, nice and plus I was funny"
But what a moron! he couldn't have been more wrong
And the next day he had evidence of that on his fore-arm
But the physical damage coulnd't be compared to his soul
Because now he had to face what he was scared to be told
But it was here to be known, and his whole body
Was expressing this feeling to let people know he was a nobody
Always when he walked he lowered his head to show he
was dead, but it didn't help, the grief was growing instead
He knew what he had to do now, he talked to his parents
And they bought a new house and moved south
For his first day of school he bought a new shirt and
New pants, cause this was a new birth, a new chance

Always look on the bright side of life

2005-03-22 04:58
hade lite brattom nar jag skrev texten, nu nar jag laste igenom den en gang sag jag nagra fel som jag tankte ratta till

I femte raden sa ar det "So he kept DOING IT..."

I sista raden i forsta versen sa ar det "Only himself" ta bort "With" andrade lite dar men glomde ta bort 'with'

Sen sa ar det sjalvklart couldn't och INTE coulnd't och aven abandoned och inte abondonned, vet inte vad jag tankte dar.

Now I've got that straightened out
Always look on the bright side of life

2005-03-22 08:55
Fett skön text MR S. en tydlig röd tråd från första meningen till sista. Skönt vokabulär dock inte skrytit (ordbajs).

peace
ETP

2005-03-22 11:15
thanks man
Always look on the bright side of life

2005-03-22 13:45
The other kids never played with him, so in order to
to play with them, he was forced to start paying them
Everyday they'd ask for money, and he was never saying no
He wanted to, but he didn't wanna be hated though

Ingen upptakt alls! Du hoppar bara rakt in vilket blir lite konstigt.
Men det är ändå bra rader, enkelt och rakt skrivet vilket är bra vid storytelling.


So he kept going even though he knew it was fake love
Cause this is what hate does, it takes us and brakes us

Snyggt skrivna rader, med fin innebörd.


He had plenty of sorrows, so there was plenty to borrow
Ten today and then maybe, maybe twenty tomorrow

Första raden är skitbra och du lägger liksom upp för en perfekt andra rad som du enligt mig förstör lite genom att trycka in två maybe. Känns som du gör det bara för att jämna ut raderna.


And everyday after school he was lonely as hell
He had only with himself and it was cold in his hell

Vet inte vad du sysslat med här =) Varför har du tryckt in ett with innan himself . Frågan är, har du glömmt något annat ord eller bara lagt till ett onödigt.


But the physical damage coulnd't be compared to his soul
Because now he had to face what he was scared to be told
But it was here to be known, and his whole body
Was expressing this feeling to let people know he was a nobody

Här är det bra skrivet, fastnar lite för de raderna. Sen upplever jag tyvärr ett hack i flytet på sista raden. Det beror inte på att den raden är längre utan mer p g a ordvalet.


For his first day of school he bought a new shirt and
New pants, cause this was a new birth, a new chance

Lite orginellt med ett lyckligt slut på ett sånt hät topic ;) BRA.


Sammanfattingsvis så var det här bra skrivit. Gillade den över lag. Sen är där vissa grammatiska fel som stör ibland. Inte jättestora, men ändå! Men som sagt... bra jobbat.

keep it up
"Mmm...purple"

2005-03-22 19:19
jo du har ratt, sa jag har andrat borjan, nu borjar det med

First day in a new school, he wore old pants, an old shirt
So the other kids showed him it was a cold world with cold words

Sen ar det meningen att man ska ta en paus mellan dom bada 'maybe', and then maybe.....maybe twenty tomorrow, to emphasize his insecurity

Som jag skrev sa ska inte with vara dar...hade annorlunda rader, andrade lite, men glomde ta bort with, so that's why it's there in the first place.

Sen har du ratt angaende 'nobody-raden' sa jag har andrat till

But it was here to be known, and his whole body
Was expressing this feeling to show he was a nobody

Later battre for mig iaf. Sen sa tycker jag sanna har texter alltid har ett valdsamt eller sorgligt slut, schoolshooting/suicide eller nagot sant, det var darfor jag korde pa ett lite lyckligare slut.

Tack for kritiken!
Always look on the bright side of life

2005-03-23 14:27
Scienti-MIC
Antar att du syftar på mitt inlägg!
Vill absolut inte att han ska skriva som jag vill eller gör.
Men jag tror att han uppskattar utförlig kritik på sitt arbete och
det är i all välmening vet du..

Nog sagt.

peace


Sarcasm
Ja, nu blev det softare! Om man får säga så utan att bli anklagad för att försöka ändra på dig och det du skrivit ;-)

Ser nu att du varnade för det med "with" innan. Missade det! Sorry
"Mmm...purple"

2005-03-27 08:25
thanks
Always look on the bright side of life